Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
