Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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