If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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