good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
