Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
