im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
