just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
