Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
