this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
