its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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