I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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