i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
