maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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