Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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