Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
