The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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