She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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