i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
