just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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