I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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