So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
