just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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