I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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