I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The struggles of a small town man whore
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
