I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize