he wants to bone in the snuggie
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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