if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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