can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
