That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
