My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
