please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if only i could text you this smell
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
