The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
