sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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