I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
