filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
