we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have aggressive nipples.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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