I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
