I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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