why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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