so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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