Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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