4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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