I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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