Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
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All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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