I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
