I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We had sex on a dog bed..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
