You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
