he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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