Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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