kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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