you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
