Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm like, not good at living.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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