i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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