those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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