Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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