Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
we should paint friendship bongs
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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