thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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