the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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